Jasmaine

 

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I will miss you, always.

 

The last time we saw each other we were fifteen.
You had been dating that new guy, Ray was that his name?
I was dating a few guys which is what you do when you are sixteen, bored and living on an Island.
At this age, you are too young to know what a real relationship is and you agree to date out of fear of never being asked out again.
I would see happy couples pass me by as I watched the guys play basketball.

There was no part of me that even cared about the game.
I would rather curl on the sofa and read or watch TV but here I am watching these guys play and sweat all over themselves.
I don’t find that attractive.
These are the things you deal with when your friends are crushing hard.
A boy named Gary just made me a mixed tape last weekend.
He’s a surfer, handsome, and a self-proclaimed, Player.
Did I tell you about him?
The boy that made all my friends giggle but got a smirk out of me.
You told me about Ray.
No one has ever made you feel that way you said, and you knew you would love him forever.

It makes me happy to know you found someone you loved.
Even if for a few months.
I know how much you missed him when you moved and how it hurt when he decided that he was in love with your best friend.
You didn’t blame them; it was as if at fifteen you had already grown up and matured.
That kind of wisdom would take me years to figure out.
Sometimes, when I watch a movie about friendship, I think of you.
Would we still be friends if you had not died?
I wonder what your life would have been like if given more time.
Would you have found a husband, had children, gone to college and have an awesome career?
I wished that you could have experienced that before you died.
Death doesn’t just come for you when you are old I suppose.
It’s been over twenty years and I still remember your laugh.
Which sounded weird coming out of such a little girl that laugh was contagious.
They say the dead can hear our thoughts and if so; I hope you hear mine.

I remember telling you that I was a lesbian before telling anyone else.
You paused for a few minutes taking in what I had just said.
Do you know how nervous I was?
I held my breath until you spoke relieved when you said you didn’t care.
You were just surprised because you knew I dated a lot.
Not even one of them? you asked.
I shook my head.
Not even one I whispered.

I think a lot about that day and of the first person I came out of the closet too.
I never had time to thank you, and although I do not believe in Heaven.
If I am wrong, I hope I will someday get to see you again.
I kept my promise do you remember what that promise was?

I have changed my life, no more anger, hurt, and I have learned forgiveness.
Most of all I have learned to live and love.

 

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