The Choice

We all know that there are some things that we just can not change.
Like the fact that I am a lesbian I can’t change that, and I don’t want to.
Why do people believe that we have to conform to their beliefs of what I should be?
In my 20’s I have heard people say you can’t be a lesbian, you’re pretty, what the hell does being pretty have to do with me being a lesbian?
Then there is always that one guy that believes that they could be the right man for me.
Yeah, that didn’t work out well for them.
Most of the time their advances would only lead to drunk calls at 2 am swearing their undying love for me.

Why don’t men sometimes understand that when your dead lay down? I can not begin to tell you how many times I have had to say ” It’s not you, it’s me.” I know that for most people that’s just a line that they say to make people feel better about getting dumped but in my case it was me, I was the one that couldn’t feel.
Was I born a lesbian? No, I don’t think I was, but my life experience has shown me that I am a lesbian.
I am not saying that some people were not born gay but in my case
after years of wondering, I fully believe that it was my choice, and it is a choice that I will never regret.
Could I help it that the very first time I fell in love, it just happened to be with a woman? I should say, girl, because being 14 does not make you a woman.
I did, however, have boyfriends, but it never felt right for me and that day changed my life forever, it was the day I found myself.
Here is my story.
I was 17, and in love, unlike the girlfriends, I had before this she meant more to me.
Why did she mean more? Well for starters we had officially had sex which was something that I had refused to do before this.
Regardless, if I did not have very proper role models growing up sex was the last thing on my mind. Which is funny because it was the first thing on the minds of all my teenage friends.
Most were already pregnant and about to graduate.
My father was just released from prison and had been told that I had a girlfriend.
It was news that he didn’t take well.
He had come into my room to talk.
For the next 45 minutes he went on and on about how my grandparents would be rolling in their graves and how can I embarrass him this way.
If anyone is an embarrassment, it certainly was not me.
I did not steal, I did not lie and most of all I did not do anything that would have placed me in prison.

Unlike my father who had been a long time drug dealer.
I was a model citizen who was the exact opposite of what I once was a few years ago, starting fights and getting into trouble. I wasn’t a thief, but I sure did have my share of violence after I met Lee I changed, and a lot of it was due to my current relationship.
You would be surprised at how much anger goes away when someone loves you, and you love them back.
My father had no right to condemn my actions when he had his character flaws.
I mean prison, need I say more?
Our talk resulted in a gun held to my head and my father screaming about how he raised a girl, not a boy.
This was the early 90’s, and I lived in Hawaii which does not have a large LGBT population.
Which meant that the only lesbians that anyone ever saw were nothing like the lipstick lesbians of today, most looked like men, which I refused to do and did not fit the butch mold and neither did my girlfriend.
My father never pulled the trigger even if I dared him to do it nothing that he could have done would change my mind.

He could have shot me that day, and I would have been fine with it.

My life and my choice right?
I made a choice that day, and it is a choice that I have never regretted.
We all have defining moments that determine who we are and in those moments you have a choice of who you will become.

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